Positive Liberty

The mists of the Absolute drew back, revealing three mostly humanoid figures. Each sat on a lotus, the radiance of which dispelled the least obscurity and falsehood.

Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva – the only genuine gods of the world – were holding court. As we all know, each is but a manifestation of Brahman, the Great Oneness. A bit depressingly, they still like to gossip.

“Can you believe what the Christians are up to now?” asked Vishnu.

“Not them again,” grumbled Shiva.

“Explain,” said Brahma.

“As you know,” Vishnu began, “the West is divided into innumerable religious sects, each of which is convinced that their personal god is the only true god in all of creation.”

“And yet–” interjected Brahma “–don’t they all worship the God of Abraham?”

“They do,” said Shiva. “But my God of Abraham can beat up your God of Abraham.”

“Oh.”

“And that’s where the whole embarrassment begins,” said Vishnu. With one of his four arms, he set down the mighty Panchajanya, the conch shell that spawned the five elements. And from a pocket in his silken smoking jacket, he produced a newspaper. He read:

This month, as in every December since he took office, President Bush sent out cards with a generic end-of-the-year message, wishing 1.4 million of his close friends and supporters a happy “holiday season.”…

“This clearly demonstrates that the Bush administration has suffered a loss of will and that they have capitulated to the worst elements in our culture,” said William A. Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights.

Bush “claims to be a born-again, evangelical Christian. But he sure doesn’t act like one,” said Joseph Farah, editor of the conservative Web site WorldNetDaily.com…

Shiva interrupted. “He was wishing people happiness? Clearly that’s un-Christian of him.”

“Clearly,” said Brahma. “But continue, my dear Vishnu.”

Religious conservatives are miffed because they have been pressuring stores to advertise Christmas sales rather than “holiday specials” and urging schools to let students out for Christmas vacation rather than for “winter break.”

…Then along comes a generic season’s greeting from the White House, paid for by the Republican National Committee. The cover art is also secular, if not humanist: It shows the presidential pets — two dogs and a cat — frolicking on a snowy White House lawn.

“Certainly President and Mrs. Bush, because of their faith, celebrate Christmas,” said Susan Whitson, Laura Bush’s press secretary. “Their cards in recent years have included best wishes for a holiday season, rather than Christmas wishes, because they are sent to people of all faiths.”

…But the White House’s explanation does not satisfy the groups — which have grown in number in recent years — that believe there is, in the words of the Heritage Foundation, a “war on Christmas” involving an “ever-stronger push toward a neutered ‘holiday’ season so that non-Christians won’t be even the slightest bit offended.”

“Let me see if I understand this correctly,” said Shiva, feigning consternation. “If you so much as acknowledge any other holidays in winter — Hanukkah, Solstice, Saint Nicholas’s Day, or the Gregorian New Year — then it means you hate baby Jesus?”

“But of course,” said Vishnu.

“And George W. Bush also hates baby Jesus?”

“I said it was embarrassing,” answered Vishnu.

Brahma perused a Bible. “Tell me now — Just where did they find this stuff? Admittedly, I haven’t read any western holy books since, oh, about the time they were written — But I do have the memory of a god, and I think I’d recall something that serious.”

“You won’t find it in the Bible,” said an interloper, shielding his eyes from the celestial radiance. “And I should know. I helped write the damned thing.”

“Moses?” said all three at once.

“Indeed. Hell, even I don’t hate baby Jesus. And say what you will, come December, I’m still celebrating Hanukkah.”

The deities blinked their several eyes, remembering their biblical chronology.

“I know, I know… They didn’t start the whole Hanukkah bit until well after my time. But come on now, what’s not to like? Candles, presents, children gambling…” His voice trailed off.

“Infidel!” said another voice. He had removed a 21-st century suit coat and was using it to shield his eyes from the radiance. Despite this indignity, he began his monologue.

“I have it on very good authority that Christmas isn’t about love or fellowship — It’s about separating friend and foe. And if I catch anyone celebrating a different holiday, I’m going make things very unpleasant for them. You see, all good Christians mark the birth of the Prince of Peace by feuding with their neighbors.”

Moses frowned for a moment. Then he giggled. And he began to sing. “Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel…”

“You hate baby Jesus!”

“I very much doubt it,” said Moses. “I mean, he did invite me to his Hanukkah party.” Then he skipped off into the mists, humming his song once again.

The Great Threeness exchanged some puzzled glances. Then they turned their twelve eyes coldly at the remaining interlocutor.

“Let me see if I understand you correctly,” said Shiva. “As a Hindu deity, I am one of the least Christian beings in the universe. Do people really worry that I might take offense, if one day I should walk into a Target and see a sign wishing everyone a merry Christmas?”

“Our enemies are everywhere,” replied the man with the covered face, “and they are wishing you a happy holiday season.”

“Do such people really exist? Or do we all simply assume that they exist?” asked Vishnu.

“I assure you that they do exist,” said the Christian. “And moreover, I derive no satisfaction what - so - ever from thinking that I’m being persecuted. No sir.”

“Funny, I don’t remember creating these persecutors,” said Brahma.

“Then you must be in on the conspiracy,” said the Christian, his coat still wrapped firmly over his head.

“But what if most nonchristians, myself included, simply don’t give a rat’s ass about what others may or may not be celebrating?” Shiva asked. “And what if some of us celebrate the Christians’ holiday, except that for us it means peace and love and harmony?”

“It’s not true!” the man replied. “You say that you don’t mind Christian celebrations, you say you’re tolerant, and cosmopolitan, and decent. You even say that you celebrate peace and love and harmony. But deep down inside, you secretly hate Christmas. And I have to stop you from hating it — by wishing you a Merry Christmas with every chance that I get!”

“No tolerance for the tolerant,” said Vishnu.

“You know,” said Brahma. “The last time I shopped at Target, no one wished me a Happy Diwali. Not one person. I wonder if Target hates Hindus?”

“It’s a war of all against all,” said Shiva gravely.

“There is still hope,” said Brahma. “Now, I will freely grant that in all of recorded history, there have been perhaps only a handful of decent non-Hindus, but from time to time, they do arise, often in the midst of even the most obnoxious bigots. One of them, and a great one, wrote as follows:

“Whatsoever is lawful in the Commonwealth cannot be prohibited by the magistrate in the Church. Whatsoever is permitted unto any of his subjects for their ordinary use, neither can nor ought to be forbidden by him to any sect of people for their religious uses. If any man may lawfully take bread or wine, either sitting or kneeling in his own house, the law ought not to abridge him of the same liberty in his religious worship; though in the Church the use of bread and wine be very different and be there applied to the mysteries of faith and rites of Divine worship. But those things that are prejudicial to the commonweal of a people in their ordinary use and are, therefore, forbidden by laws, those things ought not to be permitted to Churches in their sacred rites. Only the magistrate ought always to be very careful that he do not misuse his authority to the oppression of any Church, under pretence of public good.

“In other words,” Brahma continued, “It makes no difference at all whether my neighbor celebrates Christmas, or Diwali, or some unspecified set of generic holidays. Celebration is not a crime. It likewise makes no difference whether he regrets his sins before a Crucifix — or before an ammonite fossil. All that matters is that the agents of the civil government must never use the powers with which they are entrusted to force either the Crucifix or the ammonite fossil upon the unwilling. So far as I can tell, a president’s holiday card, paid for by a private organization, does nothing of the kind. These things injure no man.”

“I think you hate baby Je –”

“Foolish mortal,” said Vishnu. “I would destroy you in a pillar of fire, but I happen to be celebrating the feast day of Saint Nicholas. The perfect opposite of your hateful Jesus, Saint Nicholas showed kindness to the weak, the foolish, and the helpless. In honor of this generous man, I will spare your life.”

Shiva whispered to Brahma: “If I’m not mistaken, Saint Nicholas’s Day was yester–”

“Hush!” said Brahma. The Christian retreated into the mists as quickly as he dared.

Vishnu frowned. “The moral, dear Shiva, is that 99 times out of 100, the value of a religion has nothing whatsoever to do with the deity behind it — and everything to do with its followers. If evangelical Christians want their religion to be petty, bullying, and sanctimonious, then so it will be. It’s their religion, after all.

“And if they want their holidays to be occasions of sniping and dissent, then that is of course their perfect right. It won’t win many converts, but even our beloved Locke would not have let the civil power prohibit churlishness, which a man may commit in the temple just as well as he does in his own home.”

“The non-Hindus are to be pitied, of course, because the last thing the West needs is another mean, bullying, sanctimonious religious sect. The Eternal Oneness knows damn well how they’ve had enough of those in the past. But… Well, what can you do?”

“We could work a miracle,” said Brahma.

“What do you have in mind?” asked Vishnu.

“We will create a second holiday,” said Brahma. “Like the Christian holiday, it too will be celebrated on December 25 — but its purpose will be to spread joy and goodwill to everyone. Families will come together; gifts will be exchanged. Great works of charity will be done. For one day at least, no one will be hateful or petty or divisive. We will gather together and celebrate the sheer fact that, quite often, it is well within our power to be happy. In short, it will be a miracle well worth doing.”

“And what shall we call this new holiday?” asked Vishnu.

“Christmas, of course,” said Brahma.

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